Faster than a DC Bullet: Project Crisis!, Part LXXI: Convergence: Zero Hour, Book 2

Comic trade paperback, n.pag.
Published 2015 (contents: 2015)
Borrowed from the library
Read July 2017

Convergence: Zero Hour, Book 2

Writers: Tony Bedard, Larry Hama, Keith Giffen, and Louise Simonson

Artists: Cliff Richards, Philip Tan & Jason Paz/Rob Hunter, Rick Leonardi & Dan Green, Ron Wagner & Bill Reinhold, Timothy Green II & Joseph Silver, June Brigman & Roy Richardson
Color: John Rauch, Elmer Santos, and Paul Mounts
Letterers: Dave Sharpe, Steve Wands, and Corey Breen

This volume collects the Convergence adventures of five more sets of 1990s heroes, hailing from September 1994 or thereabouts. There's the hook-handed Aquaman (he lost the real hand in September 1994's Aquaman #2); Batman is joined by Azrael, who substituted for him during the Knightfall storyline (February 1993 through August 1994); Kyle Rayner is Green Lantern (he took over in March 1994's Green Lantern #50), and Hal Jordan has become Parallax; Supergirl is a protoplasmic blob from a pocket universe (she adopted the role in February 1992), working for Lex Luthor, who's transferred his brain into a younger, sexier, Australianer, hairier clone body (he first appeared in October 1990; the two dated until Supergirl #4 in May 1994, so there's some timeline wonkiness here); and John Henry Irons, who substituted for Superman while he was dead, is the superhero-in-his-own-right Steel (he got his own series in February 1994).

Maybe I lack nostalgia for these 1990s set-ups (I've read very little of any of them, except clone Luthor and protoplasmic Supergirl both feature in the Death of/World Without a/Return of Superman trilogy). Like all of these Convergence stories, it has to contrive to get the heroes all in the same city; apparently that was because everyone turned up in Metropolis to fight Parallax. Does this mean the city was domed during the events of Zero Hour? I don't remember the events of Zero Hour well enough to say; it seems a pretty tepid explanation that Azrael came to Metropolis because couldn't "miss a gathering of heroes like that." Additionally, the stories are inconsistent as to whether Superman was in the dome or not. He doesn't actually appear, but Kyle includes him among those who forgave Hal for his actions as Parallax, while on the other hand, both Steel and Lex mention that he's absent.

Whatever. Probably none of this really matters, what matters is the story... but I didn't really care about the stories here. It's impossible to care about Aquaman, the Azrael story was pretty uninteresting, and I don't know what planet Keith Giffen was on when he wrote the Supergirl tale, but it is bonkers, and sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way, most often in a what is this i don't even way. I did like that Parallax isn't evil per se (remember Hal's actions were all in aid of trying to bring back the destroyed Coast City), so he ruthlessly fights on behalf of the city against its enemies, and Kyle has to try to stop him from going overboard. But even though in theory I do like the character of Steel, his story still didn't do much for me, even if it did reunite the actual creative team the character had back in the 1990s.

Probably part of the problem is that in three of these stories, the opponents are from the Wildstorm universe. This is definitely thematically appropriate, as Wildstorm is the most 1990s thing of them all, and thank God that Grifter doesn't turn up, but seriously, who gives a shit about Wildstorm? And these folks are like the Wildstorm also-rans; I could tolerate the Authority or maybe even Stormwatch, but Gen¹³ and Wetworks? In two of the stories, it's the denizens of Earth-6, which is kind of random, but thankfully Giffen makes a joke at the expense of that randomness. Earth-6's Lady Quark was a member of L.E.G.I.O.N., which Giffen wrote, and he has a joke about that, though it's anachronistic to say the least.

Anyway, whatever. All the 1990s stuff I cared about was frontloaded in the first Convergence: Zero Hour volume, which didn't leave me with much to enjoy here.

Next Week: Superman, the Question, the Justice League of America, Stephanie Brown, and Nightwing and Oracle battle for their lives in Convergence: Flashpoint, Book 1!

Faster than a DC Bullet, Issue #9: The Return of Superman

Comic trade paperback, ~480 pages
Published 1993 (contents: 1993)
Borrowed from a friend
Read February 2009

The Return of Superman

Writers: Dan Jurgens, Karl Kesel, Louise Simonson, Roger Stern, Gerard Jones

Pencillers: John Bogdanove, Tom Grummett, Jackson Guice, Dan Jurgens, M. D. Bright
Inkers: Brett Breeding, Doug Hazlewood, Dennis Janke, Denis Rodier, Romeo Tanghal
Colorists: Glenn Whitmore, Anthony Tollin
Letterers: John Costanza, Albert DeGuzman, Bill Oakley

DC Universe Timeline: Four Years Ago
Real World Timeline: May 1993

(We see an issue of the Daily Planet dated to 28 May 1993, indicating the events of this book occur around this date. However, Superman died just before Christmas 1992 according to World Without a Superman, yet Clark Kent is supposedly "rescued" just over a month after Doomsday's attack, meaning either this story ought to fall in January 1993 or Superman's death should be pushed forward to April 1993. A month doesn't even seem right, though-- there ought to be a substantial time without Superman for the world to feel his lack, and then at least a few weeks where the four Supermen are active in Metropolis.)

It turns out that Superman really isn't dead after all. Please, act surprised. This collection tells of his return to life in an absolutely huge book containing twenty-two individual issues. You can't get that for $19.99 anymore; these days DC would turn that into four (hardcover) trades at least. Of course, Superman doesn't do things by halves, he does them by quadruples-- if he comes back from the dead, he's going to do it four times.

The first half of the book or so focuses on each of the four Supermen in turn, trying to avoid a commitment to any one of them actually being the real Clark Kent. By far my favorite of these was John Henry Irons, who is the only one who doesn't try to pretend to be the "real" Superman. Irons is a man whose life was saved by Superman who build himself a suit of steel to fill the gap left when Superman died. Because, despite World Without a Superman going to great pains to show how Supergirl, Guardian, and Gangbuster were successfully filling that gap, no one at all is doing a thing about it here. Irons goes by the moniker "Man of Steel" and spends most of his time fighting some woman who I guess is supposed to be sexy but is in the issues penciled by Jon Bogdanove, so she just looks stupid. Like everyone he pencils. I say I like the Man of Steel the best, and of course I do-- he's being Superman for all the right reasons: it's the right thing to do. Except he's also trying to atone for his past as a weapons developer, now that his super-awesome weapons are being sold to Metropolis gangs. He feels a lot of guilt over this, because apparently street gangs just wouldn't commit crimes if they couldn't gain access to guns called "Toastmasters". He's pretty much an Iron Man rip-off now that I think about it, except that he's not rich, alcoholic, or Republican.

Of course, you pretty much have to like the Man of Steel the best, because the other Supermen aren't up to much. Next most sympathetic is Superboy, a clone of Superman created by Project Cadmus, despite the fact that in World Without a Superman they were stopped from creating a clone by Guardian and the Newsboy Legion. Really, just admit none of you read the stories each other write, guys. Anyway, Superboy is cloned with an earring, sunglasses, and a leather jacket, which tells you everything you need to know-- he's a self-centered 1990s teenager who is about as appealing as Superman as a dead rat. Fortunately, the book doesn't even try to convince you that he's the real deal; he just spends a lot of time flirting with a terminally stupid Asian reporter.

And then there's the other two: the Last Son of Krypton and the Man of Tomorrow (a.k.a. the Cyborg Superman). Perhaps the book's biggest failing is that it never really tries to convince the reader that these two might be the real deal. The Last Son has some good sleights-of-hand to show how he could be the real Superman in practical/plot terms, but there's not enough character work to support that. An attitude more like Superman's, or some moment of connections with his "old" life would go a long way. Guy Gardener likes him, which isn't exactly a vote of support either. And despite the excellent "Prove it" chapter where the Cyborg Superman saves Bill Clinton from an improbable assassination attempt, you never really believe in him either.

But perhaps that's the point. Three of these characters have the Superman powers and logo and modus operandi, but they don't have the Superman essence. And this book is about what makes Superman who he is. He doesn't believe in power above all, he doesn't believe in self-aggrandizement, he doesn't believe in unnecessary lethal force. He believes in doing the right thing. And that's why Steel is the closest any of the characters come to being the "real" Superman, even though he doesn't have the powers in any way, shape, or form. And as the story goes on, the Last Son of Krypton (revealed to be a guy named "the Eradicator" that you and I have never heard of in a humongous and clumsy backstory dump) learns this and begins changing his ways, ameliorating his actions so that he's more like the real Last Son.

(Oh, and Bibbo Bibbowski shows up again, goddamnit. He doesn't say "Sooperman" at least, but we're still treated to "you were my fav'rit!" I'd take even Superboy over this guy.)

Of course, the Cyborg Superman knocks himself out of the running by turning out to be Secretly Evil. He's another guy you and I have never heard of, an astronaut or something who hates Superman for reasons none of the main characters are ever told; there's just an entire issue given over to two comedy aliens telling each other convoluted backstory. Oh, awesome. And he's working with Mongul, an intergalactic criminal whose power is being a lame version of Darkseid. Despite this not-quite-winning villain combination, the second half of the book, where the Cyborg and Mongul unleash their plan and destroy Coast City (poor Green Lantern, his hometown wiped out in someone else's comic), is very good.

The real Superman makes his way back to Metropolis, low on power, but determined. He's Superman, you know? He's not going to stop, even if he doesn't have the powers all the other characters do. Of course, he's got long hair and wears black now, but I guess you can't have everything. His return leads to my three favorite moments of the book: the first is when Superboy, inspired by the real deal (I am getting tired of this phrase) diverts a missile headed for Metropolis, apparently at the cost of his own life. Even though he obviously lives through it, it's a powerful moment, as Superboy struggles and struggles to do what has to be done.

The other highlight is when Superman and Steel battle their ways through Engine City. I dig two-men-with-virtually-nothing-against-all-odds stories, and they're even better when the two men are as awesome as Clark Kent and John Henry Irons. (Supergirl's there too, slowly de-laming herself, but who really cares about her?) And then the Eradicator shows up again and--

I like the idea of the ending-- the Eradicator understanding the "true" meaning of Superman's legacy and gifting Superman with power once more-- but its execution is a little clumsy, I have to admit, as not even the characters have a good reason for why Superman's powers came back. And then the way Superman disposes of the Cyborg is kind of lame. But then, there's the third favorite moment: the double-page spread where Superman really, truly, actually is back. Oh yes!

The art is typical superhero comic fare, usually fine except when Bogdanove is drawing. I wish there was a consistent feature to Maggie Sawyer between artists aside from "lesbian haircut", though.

Like all the best Superman stories, this book is about what it is to be Superman. And with some well-crafted character moments (Lois especially shines in this book) and some strong heroic ones, this book stands as the crowning jewel of the death/rebirth trilogy. Not everything's perfect here, but the book works more often than it doesn't, the second half especially.

Note that this originally appeared on my old LiveJournal and included pictures back then. Sadly, the pictures are lost in the mists of the Internet.

Faster than a DC Bullet, Issue #8: World Without a Superman

Comic trade paperback, ~240 pages
Published 1993 (contents: 1993)
Borrowed from a friend
Read January 2009

World Without a Superman

Writers: Dan Jurgens, Karl Kesel, Jerry Ordway, Louise Simonson, Roger Stern

Pencillers: John Bogdanove, Tom Grummett, Jackson Guice, Dan Jurgens, Walter Simonson
Inkers: Brett Breeding, Doug Hazlewood, Dennis Janke, Denis Rodier, Trevor Scott, Walter Simonson
Letterers: John Costanza, Albert DeGuzman, Bill Oakley, John Workman
Colorist: Glenn Whitmore

DC Universe Timeline: Four Years Ago
Real World Timeline: December 1992

(In here, we learn it's the Christmas season when Superman dies. But for some reason no one thought to mention this in the previous collection? In fact, the newspaper article reporting his death is dated to the 25th (though the month is blurry), but that makes no sense, given his funeral falls on Christmas Eve.)

Once Superman died, all of his comics somehow continued to chug along. I guess they were on life-support or something. World Without a Superman collects all the issues that ran during this time, originally under the title Funeral For A Friend. I always thought that was a bit of a dumb name, so I'm glad it's not the title of the trade. A lot of these are fairly standalone-- we don't really get one big plot for this book-- so I'll be tackling each issue in an individual mini-review.

"Death of a Legend"
This issue picks up right where The Death of Superman left off, with Lois holding Superman's body in her arms. Most of it centers on making sure Superman is really, truly, actually dead. The Guardian gives him CPR (oh, now he shows up and does something), Dan Turpin yells a lot, Dubbilex reads his mind, Paul Westfield tries to steal the body, and Bloodwynd doesn't actually help at all. Which is pretty par for the course. Most of the issue is spent cutting between the efforts of Professor Emil Hamilton to use a super-defibrillator to rescuitate Superman and the reactions of various people to the news of his death. Among those in this group are some guy apparently called Gangbuster, Lex Luthor, Supergirl, the Daily Planet staff, and most importantly the Kents. The issue's role is pretty perfunctory-- establishing that Superman is really, truly, actually dead-- but it does it well enough, and the reactions from the Kents and Dan Turpin are especially well done. Reading this I learned how out of touch I was with Superman's recurring cast in the post-Crisis era: who the heck is Bibbo Bibbowski?

"Re: Actions"
This picks up pretty close to the end of "Death of a Legend", except that Maggie Sawyer has taken off her shirt for some reason. And grown larger breasts. And changed her hair. The main plot of this one concerns Director Westfield and Project Cadmus trying to lay hands on Superman's body, while the Metropolis police, the Guardian, Lex Luthor, and Supergirl all try to stop him. Squabbling over his corpse is a great way to honor his memory. Meanwhile, Supergirl beats up some people driving a car. (She goes under car and holds it over her head for no reason other than a contrived recreation of the cover of Action Comics #1.) None of this is very interesting. The decent part of the issue is people dealing with hearing about Superman's death, primarily Lana Lang and various criminals. I especially liked the Toyman's reaction. For some reason, though, Lana and the Kents barely get a page while Bibbo Bibbowski-- who we saw react to it last issue-- gets over two! The artwork in this issue is pretty stiff, too; a lot of times the characters look really posed.

Untitled Story About that Annoying Guy From Armageddon 2001
If this story has a title, it's not established in here, but it's about Waverider, the man from the future with Kirby dots for hair. Apparently he's joined a squad of characters that I didn't recognize and that no one bothers to mention the names of who do something with time that's never clearly explained. This Time Crew shows Waverider the death of Superman, and he gets all in a flurry and decides they have to go back in time to save him. They talk him out of it. That's about it. The story's even more pointless in light of the fact that Superman comes back to life later of course, but all the characters act like this really was his final end. God, I bet Waverider felt dumb when they got back to the Time Base and found out that if he'd read the next sentence of his Superman biography, he'd have been spared a trip. Trevor Scott's poor inks don't help endear me to this terrible story, either.

"Funeral Day"
Guess what? This issue's about the funeral. It's fine. Mostly it's a series of further reactions from various characters. (Even Bill Clinton, bizarrely enough.) Unfortunately, Bibbo Bibbowski shows up for the third time in this collection. Were the writers in love with this guy or something? If ever have to read him saying "I liked Sooperman; he was my favrit" one more time, I'm going to punch someone in the face. What the heck is up with that goofy "phonetic" spelling that only serves to make him sound retarded. I liked the bit where Batman clobbered a guy. Oh, and I always enjoy an appearance from Lobo.

The best part of this issue is the tragedy of the fact that while Superman's loved ones can mourn him, Clark Kent's can't. The Kents can't even go to the funeral; Lois Lane only gets in because Jimmy Olsen saves her a spot. (Though how Jimmy Olsen got a spot while Lois didn't to begin with baffles me.) Ma and Pa Kent hold a private ceremony for Clark, which is one of the most effective pieces of this entire book: "We tried it your way, Jonathan, and--" "and it's not enough! It feels empty as hell-- unngh!" "I feel like nothing can plug the hole in my heart." "Like... nobody needs us now. Almost like... there's no reason to go on living." But they're the Kents-- some of the most kind-hearted, optimistic people the world has ever known. And so they don't wallow in grief; they head to Metropolis to help Lois Lane, not even thinking about themselves anymore.

"Metropolis Mailbag II"
In this issue, the Justice League bands together to answer the mail Superman always gets around Christmastime. Then the annoying bubblegum-blowing punk from The Death of Superman shows up, still wearing his baseball cap backwards. He's feeling bad because he blames himself for Superman's death, so Jimmy Olsen takes him to the one person in Metropolis who can comfort him... Bibbo Bibbowski! Again? Are you freaking kidding me? And there he goes: "That's Sooperman fer ya! No wonder he's my favrit!" Shut up. You may recall that the punk's father walked out on him, his mother, and his sister before the events of Death. But it's okay, because all that's needed to repair marital problems in the DC universe is a stern talking-to from Wonder Woman. This issue contains only a few panels about Lois, Lana, and the Kents, but that thread continues to be the best thing about the book.

"Grave Obsession"
Someone steals Superman's body from the tomb. Supergirl and Dan Turpin investigate, but end up fighting those annoying sewer-dwellers from Death for no real reason. Meanwhile, Gangbuster is up to something, but no one cares. The only thing that saves this issue is that I've thought "Terrible" Turpin was hella awesome ever since the 1990s Superman cartoon, and he still is here, fairing just as well as Supergirl in the fight against the sewer monsters.

"Who's Buried in Superman's Tomb?"
How dumb of an issue title can you have? We know the answer is "no one" because we saw inside the tomb last issue. Most of this issue is about Supergirl, Lex, and the cops wandering around another cave. Supergirl causes a flash flood, the genius. Oh, and we learn the Lex Luthor, Jr. is really a clone of the original Lex Luthor with Lex's consciousness in his body. I'm not sure if this issue was the first-ever revelation of that fact or not, but it's the first time it's made in the current storyline, at least. It's surprisingly undramatic. Meanwhile, the Guardian rides his motorcycle. And wows us with his amazing recordable laser discs. I can hardly stand the excitement.

"The Guardians of Metropolis!"
Despite the fact that in the last issue, 1) Project Cadmus said getting a DNA sample from Superman was impossible and 2) Guardian acquiesced to the idea of a Superman clone, in this issue 1) Project Cadmus suddenly gets a DNA sample and 2) Guardian is suddently dead-set against a Superman clone. His suggestion is to clone himself instead. One wonders why he didn't make this suggestion years ago, given that he himself is a clone. Fortunately (with the help of the Newsboy Legion, always fun to see) the disc containing Superman's DNA sequence is destroyed, stopping Project Cadmus from making a clone, as having sampled Superman's DNA once, there's of course no way they could do it again.

"Ghosts"
The Newsboy Legion is astounded to learn that Project Cadmus has Superman's body, demonstrating that none of the writers of this book were actually paying attention to what happened in the issue before theirs. Meanwhile, the sewer dwellers find the bomb that Cadmus used to blow a hole in Superman's tomb. How they did this when the bomb would have had to blow up is not clear. Nor is the reason that Cadmus, a top-secret organization, stencils its logo onto the side of its explosives. They must take lessons from Torchwood. Lois Lane dresses up in scuba gear and teams up with the sewer people and the Newsboy Legion to prove to the world that Cadmus has Superman's body, planning to run a column the next day. Meanwhile, Metropolis continues to flood, but no one seems to do anything about it. It's everything bit as thrilling as it sounds.

But at the end: Pa Kent suffers a heart attack!

"The End"
As Pa Kent is rushed to the hospital, and his condition deteriorates rapidly, Lois goes to Lex and Supergirl to get their help in recovering the body of Superman, since she has no intention of running a story on it and making the news public. Um... Lois comes to help Supergirl, but all she does is ride a dirt bike. It takes Supergirl about six seconds to get the body back, which makes you wonder why we've spent all these issues to get to this point. Lex actually gets some good material in this issue, as his facade is slipping, and he's starting to act more like the ruthless, callous businessman we all know and love. Of course, the high point of this issue is the memories of Clark that flash through Pa's mind as he gets worse and worse... until... he dies.

"Life After Death"
This issue has the best art in the entire book, as Pa wakes up in Korea, knowing nothing except that he has to find and rescue a downed airman. (Of course, this alternates with another tedious story of Gangbuster. It wouldn't be an issue of Funeral For A Friend without a member of Superman's supporting cast that no one cares about showing up. At least we're spared Bibbo Bibbowski for once.) Pa travels into a surreal landscape, showing the drive and determination he passed on to his son-- he doesn't even know who the downed airman is (though it's Clark, of course), he just knows that it's the right thing to do and that he's going to do it the right way.

Pa finds Clark in a Kryptonian funeral procession, being marched into the light. This is the highlight of the issue-- Pa tells him that just for once, he should think of Krypton, not Earth. A Earthman is mortal, a Kryptonian isn't. (The symbolism is a little muddled here, though, given that Pa is simultaneously telling Clark to reject the trappings of Krypton as represented by the funeral procession.) In the end, Pa smashes an image of Jor-El, denouncing him as a phony, and Superman and his real father travel into the darkness together. Pa suddenly revives in the hospital bed, and as for Superman...? This is good stuff, and it looks great, but it didn't quite carry the emotional punch that a journey into death to save the soul of your son should have. I was oddly unaffected by the whole thing.

Overall, this collection does not live up to its potential. There's some good material with Lois and the Kents dealing with the death of Clark, but there's far more tedious battling over Superman's corpse, and interminable appearances by the most boring/bizarre members of the Superman supporting cast. (Which seems really strange. Surely this set of storylines attracted a bunch of new readers, or reeled in more casual ones. How put off they must have been by things like the Newsboy Legion and Cat Grant's boyfriend! While people like Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen don't need introduction, of course, the rest of the cast certainly does, and these comics make no effort to provide it.) Please, someone tell me that The Return of Superman will be good at least.

Note that this originally appeared on my old LiveJournal and included pictures back then. Sadly, the pictures are lost in the mists of the Internet.

Faster than a DC Bullet, Issue #7: The Death of Superman

Comic trade paperback, ~168 pages
Published 1993 (contents: 1992)
Borrowed from a friend
Read November 2008

The Death of Superman

Writers: Dan Jurgens, Jerry Ordway, Louise Simonson, Roger Stern

Pencillers: John Bogdanove, Tom Grummett, Jackson Guice, Dan Jurgens
Inkers: Brett Breeding, Rick Burchett, Doug Hazlewood, Dennis Janke, Denis Rodier
Letterers: John Costanza, Albert DeGuzman, Bill Oakley, Willie Schubert
Colorists: Gene D'Angelo, Glenn Whitmore

DC Universe Timeline: Four Years Ago
Real World Timeline: 1992

(Holy crap, we're vaulting to the present day at this rate. Apparently the past sixteen years of comics take place in four years? No wonder Superman decided to die-- he just wanted some time off.)

In the early 1990s, comic book writers decided to kill off Superman, knowing that it would allow them to sell a bazillion copies, even to schmucks who don't buy comic books. Rather than have someone awesome kill of Superman, like Lex Luthor, they decided to invent someone totally lame to do it instead. Meet the Darth Maul of the DC Universe: Doomsday.

We're introduced to Doomsday as a big green fist smashing its way through a wall. The best part of this is that breaking your way out of a subterranean capsule apparently makes the sound effect KRAAKK! KARAAKK! KRAKA-DOOM! I hope someone out there is collecting the stupid textually-represented sound effects comics are filled with; this one deserves to be on the list. As the issue's main plot progresses, we get little snaps of what this gigantic fellow is up to. His first act of violence? He kills a bird. Exactly how this is supposed to establish him as a threat is beyond me. "Oh no, how will Superman defeat the horrendous... BIRD KILLER? He has the power to crunch two-pound lifeforms with his bare hands!" He can also fell trees.

After that excitement-filled, opening, we cut to an orphan kid buying spraypaint in a hardware store. Apparently, his mother's been kidnapped by a gang of thugs looking to "steal electricity". Lois Lane gets some sort of tip, and leaves Clark a message on his computer. "Very high tech of her," comments Clark when he shows up at work. I think this is sort of putting paid to the notion that this story somehow takes place in 2004. The underground monsters end up stealing Metropolis's electricity, but Superman defeats them fairly easily. They're lead by a scruffy homeless man named Charlie who's actually working for Superman in any case; we're not exactly talking about a strong opposition. They come from a place called "War World"; no one ever bothers to explain why they're hanging out in the sewers or what they're going to do with their electricity. Superman leaves Charlie in the sewer in the end, because homeless people can't aspire to live better lives.

After this thrilling adventure, we cut back to the monster thing, who has just attacked a tanker... in Ohio! Apparently the monster thing came from Ohio. This makes me mildly better disposed towards him. Actually, I think this is the first time I've ever seen Ohio in a superhero comic. I bet he comes from Cleveland, though. The Justice League has been called in to deal with the tanker fire, as apparently they don't have firefighters in the DC Universe. An officer of the highway patrol thanks the Leaguers for helping out: "I'm well aware that Ohio is out of your normal area of jurisdiction--" What! I'm pretty sure this is set during the era when the Justice League was all "International" and worked for the UN; is Ohio not a UN member?

After the monster kills a deer, the Justice League springs into action (in Blue Beetle's totally awesome flying beetle) and combats him. They catch up to him outside Lex Oil's Ohio facility, where they are trounced pretty easily. Superman ditched a TV talk show where he's been doing an interview and flies to the rescue. "How could one man stand against the whole League?" he thinks. Whoa, slow down Superman. It's not like Wonder Woman, Batman, or even the Flash are part of the League now; we're talking about Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Bloodwynd, Fire and Ice, Guy Gardner, and Maxima. These aren't exactly heavy hitters. Guy, as much as I love him, is in one of the periods where he's been kicked out of the Green Lantern Corps, so he's dressed even worse than usual, and I'm pretty sure I could take out Blue Beetle. And I've never even heard of Bloodwynd or Maxima. This comic doesn't exactly inspire me to want to know more about them, either. I'm pretty sure Maxima's power is being stupid. And having an invincible midriff.

Superman finally shows up after half the League has been incapacitated. "I'm telling you, right now--" says Booster Gold "--it's like doomsday is here!" Yes, Booster, I can certainly see how wiping out a tanker and an oil facility would make this the biggest threat the League's ever seen. For some reason, Superman decides that "Doomsday" must be the monster's name. Not good with comprehension, our Superman.

It's the early 1990s, so unfortunately about half of Superman's opening battle with Doomsdayis intercut with a long-haired teenager with attitude who hates his mother. Superman hates this kid even more than I do, however; when he's trapped in a rampaging inferno, Superman flies away, thinking, "I have to... block out that plea for help!" What a nice guy.

Superman decides that even if the whole Justice League couldn't take Doomsday down, he can. He's got a point. Superman refers to the monster as "Mr. Destructo" at one point; I wish that name had stuck instead of "Doomsday"; it would have given this story the gravitas it deserves. We learn that the battle is occurring in "Kirby County, Ohio"-- there's no such place, though Wikipedia informs me that there is a "Kirby, Ohio" south of Findlay. On the other hand, Route 110 runs through the area, which is actually an 11-mile state highway in Henry County, west of Bowling Green. The governor of Ohio is mentioned; during this time, that would have been George Voinovich. The lieutenant governor actually particaptes in a phone conversation, where he is repeatedly insulted. Poor Mike DeWine.

For some reason, there's a sequence where Jimmy Olsen is dressed as a giant turtle. Then, a news anchor informs us that "It appears 'Doomsday' is on a straight path crossing from Ohio through New York State... Some theorize that the creature is on a straight course to-- or through-- Metropolis." Apparently, the news has magically got wind of Superman's misbegotten nickname for the creature. And Pennsylvania does not exist in the DC Universe. Thank God.

Superman fights Doomsday by a gas station. Can't anyone ever catch up to this guy not in proximity to flammable materials? Now we learn that the gas station is in "the village of Griffith in upstate Kirby County." Doomsday must be fluctuating the fabric of space or something, because Griffith is in eastern Ohio, nowhere near Kirby or Route 110. Alarmed by the fact that the writers don't know a thing about geography, Jack Kirby's Golden Guardian shows up. Now, I like random appearances by Fourth World characters as much as the next guy, but all he does is talk to Superman and telepathically commune with Dubbilex. Thanks a lot, dude.

All of a sudden, Doomsday's attacking a Lex-Mart in Midvale, which is about fifty miles northwest of Griffith. So much for his beeline towards Metropolis. And "Lex-Mart"? Are there any other megacorporations in the DC Universe? At the Lex-Mart, Doomsday watches an ad for a wrestling match at the Metropolis Arena. Why wrestling matches an eight-hour drive away are being advertised on this TV station is beyond me. Doomsday is intrigued by this ad and decides to head for Metropolis... despite a reporter telling us fifteen pages ago that he was heading straight towards it.

Superman and Doomsday continue to punch each other a lot. This has been going on for about fifty pages, now. I'm starting to miss the sewer folks. They might have been stupid, but that made them entertaining. Doomsday is pure tedium.

More proof that it's the early 1990s materializes with Lois Lane's awful aviators and Lex Luthor's long, flowing locks. Since when did Lex Luthor have hair, anyway? Or hang out with Supergirl?

Doomsday looks at a sign and learns that he's only sixty miles from Metropolis. Which would place him and Superman somewhere in New Jersey, I think. What the heck? What happened to Midvale? Or all of Pennsylvania, for that matter? If you're wondering why I'm focusing on the geography so much, it's because it's the only interesting thing happening here. Unless you count Superman and Doomsday throwing each other at things again and again. Including the Wild Area, which is a giant treehouse outside of Metropolis. Why wasn't this retconned out of existence during the Crisis? The Golden Guardian is still tagging along, still doing nothing. He finally decides that Doomsday is too big for Superman to handle alone... and promptly never appears in the story again. Way to go, dude.

It wouldn't help much, though. Supergirl attacks Doomsday and gets turned into a featurelss purple thing with googly eyes. I don't know what kind of punch can do that, but it's one I'd stay away from.

"This insanity ends in Metropolis!" Superman shouts outside of a Lexpark Garage. What, were the geographically confused inhabitants of Kirby County, Ohio not worthy of your best efforts? I guess not-- Ohio's not part of the UN after all.

As sensitive as ever, Jimmy Olsen (thankfully not dressed like a turtle) is excited that Doomsday's killing hundreds of Metropolis residents because it gives him some good photographs. No wonder he can't ever get a girlfriend.

Superman's cape is torn off and wraps itself around a convenient wooden pole.

Superman and Doomday punch each other for a series of one-panel pages. Superman takes one in the jaw. "Bony protrustions... so sharp.. he cut me!" he shouts. Yes, my natural reaction getting punched is also to describe the punch.

PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH. PUNCH. PUNCH.

Finally, Superman decides to punch Doomsday really hard. Hard enough to kill him. Why didn't he think of this earlier? I don't know, but it's too late. Because he dies.

The narrator tells me that everyone will remember this day for years because Superman dies. He doesn't bother to mention that he only stays dead for a few months. Personally, I wasn't crying; I was rejoicing. Because the whole mess was finally over.

Note that this originally appeared on my old LiveJournal and included pictures back then. Sadly, the pictures are lost in the mists of the Internet.